It's 11pm, a hush has fallen over the shores of Sandusky, Ohio. I've crawled into bed at a hotel miles away from Cedar Point. The park has been closed for 1 hour. You'd think that would be enough time and distance, but no. It's not.
I yelp and hold my pillow over my ears. But it does nothing.
I can still hear the shrill refrains of Cedar Point ride ops screeching in my ears, like tinnitus after watching a Metallica concert.
"DON'T TOUCH YOUR LAP BAR!"
"SEAT BELT YES, LAP BAR NO!"
"STEPTHROUGHTHEGATESQUICKLYTHEGATESARECLOSING!" (Fun fact: this is all one word, look it up in the Cedar Fair Dictionary)
Cedar Point try their best to make boarding a coaster feel as stressful as possible, with ride ops shouting frantically into mics linked up to loud speakers. And if this doesn't sound like enough sensory overload for you, don't worry. This park will throw in multiple sound bleeds at the same time!
A carousel at the entrance whirrs a slightly off-key melody, whilst speakers to the left blast Backstreet Boys and speakers to the right play Ariana Grande.
I wore earplugs for my entire 2 days at Cedar Point but that barely took the edge off the brain-melting noise level of this park. By Day Two, I was convinced the park hated me and my stupid sensitive little ears.
Look, I get it. Ride hosts need to keep lines moving at this extremely (read: unjustly) popular park. The staff are following operational instructions. Those instructions are necessary because guests need guidance.
But when ride hosts are yelling so fast you can barely comprehend what they're saying, only to sarcastically yell "woooow" 10 times into the mic after blitzing through their spiel, it feels less about safety and more about the performative Cedar Point Arrogance.
What is Cedar Point Arrogance you ask? It's the weird lofty vibe that permeates the air of this amusement park. We're Cedar Point - we don't need to clean our toilets regularly! We're Cedar Point - we don't need a consistent loose articles policy! We're Cedar Point - we don't need to accurately post wait times! We're Cedar Point - we don't need our staff to be polite to guests! We're Cedar Point - we don't care if someone has their phone out on the Magnum lift hill! The main thing is they DID NOT TOUCH THEIR LAP BAR.
(If you read this in the tone of Frank Grimes losing his sh*t at Homer Simpson, congratulations)
The park may have 19 rollercoasters but only one of them is a 10/10 ride imo. And that's Maverick.
Hitting riders with slew of agressive turns following a bonkers beyond vertical drop, Maverick is frantic tour of all the best sensations one can find on a rollercoaster. It's a unique ride that will leave you breathless.
It's also the best coaster in the park. And it's the best Intamin Blitz coaster I've ridden by quite some way. (I rank them as follows: 1. Maverick 2. Cheetah Hunt 3. Taron 4. iSpeed 5. Taiga )
Towering over Maverick like a big ol Hybrid imposter stands Steel Vengeance. Or should I say: Steel Victim Of Its Own Hype?
As someone who doesn't love the small, sharp bucking bronco hills commonly found on lesser RMCs, I entered the line with fairly low expectations.
The wait was advertised at 45 minutes but it ended up taking 90 minutes. This coaster was one of 2 new-to-me coasters at this park and I'm pleased to report that SteVe is, in fact, better than the Wild Mouse.
My first ride was in row 6. Despite the front row and the back row having extended queue sections in the station, the ride host this time wouldn't let us wait for either row this time (neither extended queue sections were remotely full.)
The first half of Steel Vengeance is magnificent. The highlight for me is the inversions as they deliver some truly wonderful sensations. The larger airtime hills are also glorious, but there were some outward banked moments where I found myself asking - does this really need to be outwardly banked? Really?! At this time of year? At this time of day? Localised entirely within Frontier Town?
Up into the midcourse we plow and I'm surprised by how much I'm enjoying it so far. The Steel half is a good time.
Then the Vengeance half kicks in with a mean streak.
The train dives in to the support structure and starts repeatedly slamming me upwards into my lap bar like some sort of punishment. I can feel my legs bruising from one ride alone. An overbank offers a sweet moment of relief, but then I glance ahead and spy three more Lil Hills O Punishment awaiting. I grit my teeth and prepare for those question-filled outbursts of ejector: "How. Dare.
You. Not. Like. This???" screams the ride (and the vast majority of enthusiasts)
"Seymour, my thighs are on fire"
"No mother, it's just the RMC ride"
If we approach Steel Vengeance as a coaster of two halves, then I would rate each half as follows
9/10 for Steel
4/10 for Vengeance
Bringing the overall combined total for Steel Vengeance to a lowly 13/20, which is just enough to qualify for the Most Overhyped category in the Serena Ticket Awards 2024. Congratulations on your nomination SteVe *shakes Alan Schilkes hand*
I'd love to say that you forget Top Thrill is there but that would be a big 420ft lie. It looms in the middle of the park, oozing with Zamperla-tinged regret like an enthusiast riding their 5th Volare just for the credit.
With each clunk of a chain lift, I couldn't resist a taking wistful gaze over in TT2s direction from the top of the other coasters. The novelty of seeing a ride so big so static deserved many a solemn nod of appreciation - oh Zamperla, we salute you for trying. 2 Top 2 Thrill 2 Dragster may not be fast right now, but someone assuredly is furious.
While we could talk about all the many ways in which GateKeeper is fairly unremarkable as a wing coaster, I'd like to highlight the sense of occasion this ride has.
Big sign
️
Big beach️
No big rides surrounding it and diminishing it's stature️
It's bird-like trains deftly thread the needles of the park entrance, making the ride graceful and watchable. It's also a lot more comfortable and enjoyable to ride than Valravn.
Yes, Nemesis Reborn and Mandrill Mayhem have gathered to welcome Valravn in to the (not so exclusive) B+M Rattle Club. Come on in Vally and take a seat with a nice bulky Vest Restraint. That'll kill any potential airtime in your otherwise cool, but rattly, layout.
Valravn also represents Cedar Points Wacky Loose Item policy at its most absurd.
You can't take a big bag in the line, so you have to pay for a locker. But you can take smaller items. With it being a bright day, I needed my sunglasses and a drink for the (longer than advertised) line.
Valravn has storage bins on the platform of the ride, but you are not allowed to use them for sunglasses / hats. Because you can only use the storage for flip-flops. Nothing else. You have to take loose items like shades and hats on the ride with you?! "Put them down your shirt" advise the staff. Guess what! The pressure of the vest restraint broke my sunglasses. What a bizarre policy, seems more about selling lockers than keeping guests safe?
Speaking of lockers, just like my, ahem, "beloved" Carowinds, you cannot buy a movable all-day locker at Cedar Point. You have to pay per ride and let me tell you, the cost of this quickly this adds up. And it gets frustrating when you need a locker for some rides but not for others. I'm just a girl wearing a dress with no pockets, standing before Cedar Fair, asking for a consistent locker policy. Please?
Will Cedar Point be the park to make me resort to wearing cargo pants? 
Magnum XL 200, the original Hyper Coaster built by my (actually) beloved Arrow Dynamics, has no right to be as good at this age. Yet it continues to defy expectations by offering some of the best airtime and forces in the park. A wonderful ride.
In terms of night rides, we got:
1 x front row night ride on Steel Vengeance (Fun, but not enough to raise its 13/20 score)
1 x front row night ride on Maverick - 10/10, exceptional.
1 x night ride on Millenium Force. Or should I say...Meh-llenium Force. This ride does very little for me beyond its wicked first drop.
The Green American Scream Machine known as Raptor was walk-on. It's the oldest and best B+M in the park, delivering plenty of force and whippy inversions.
I didn't ride Rougarou because I remembered it being awful last time.
Gemini is so much fun, it sure puts the "gem" into "Gemini." If you sit in the back you get lots of amazing airtime. We immediately ran around for multiple re-rides on this beauty.
Some point during Day 2, I got very overwhelmed by all the noise and staff shouting in the station. So I tried to find somewhere quiet to sit and failed. Even the Starbucks was blasting music super loud inside. The noise felt inescapable. I cursed this silly sensitive brain of mine.
You know what cures all ails? Going on the Shot Tower. A nice walk-on ride with some excellent views and a decent pop of floater at the top. Ah, just what the doctor ordered.
Another decent flat ride at Cedar Point is the parks Giant S+S Screaming Swing, Skyhawk. Which was also walk-on and super fun. I adore these giant swing rides so much.
I went to say hi to the parks baby Alpaca, Churro. Upon seeing his sweet little eyes I simply had to buy a lil bucket of food so I could feed this adorable angel.
It was a nice chance of pace before we mopped up all remaining coasters and finished up with final rides Maverick, Magnum and a coveted back row ride on SteVe.
Is Steel Vengeance the best coaster in the world? No. It's not even the best coaster in the park. But its stellar first half is enough to place the ride at number 5 in my RMC rankings:
1. Wildcat's Revenge
2. Zadra
3. Hakugei
4. Twisted Timbers
5. Steel Vengeance
6. Wildfire
7. Storm Chaser
8. Untamed
9. Iron Gwazi
10. Lighting Rod
11. Twisted Cylone
12. Jersey Devil Coaster
It's not often that a coaster would be better if it were shorter, but that's the case with SteVe in my opinion. Replace the second half with Twisted Timbers 3 back to back big airtime hills and you'd have an absolute winner there.
Is Cedar Point the best amusement park in the world? No. It's not even the best amusement park in Ohio. That title belongs to King's Islands and it's vast array of superior coasters.
If you made it to the end of this report, congratulations. I can only assume it was the energy of your indignant rage that kept you going, so I eagerly await to hear how wrong I am about everything in the comments
But seriously, thanks for reading. Sorry for not loving Cedar Point or Steel Vengeance.
I yelp and hold my pillow over my ears. But it does nothing.
I can still hear the shrill refrains of Cedar Point ride ops screeching in my ears, like tinnitus after watching a Metallica concert.
"DON'T TOUCH YOUR LAP BAR!"
"SEAT BELT YES, LAP BAR NO!"
"STEPTHROUGHTHEGATESQUICKLYTHEGATESARECLOSING!" (Fun fact: this is all one word, look it up in the Cedar Fair Dictionary)
Cedar Point try their best to make boarding a coaster feel as stressful as possible, with ride ops shouting frantically into mics linked up to loud speakers. And if this doesn't sound like enough sensory overload for you, don't worry. This park will throw in multiple sound bleeds at the same time!
A carousel at the entrance whirrs a slightly off-key melody, whilst speakers to the left blast Backstreet Boys and speakers to the right play Ariana Grande.
I wore earplugs for my entire 2 days at Cedar Point but that barely took the edge off the brain-melting noise level of this park. By Day Two, I was convinced the park hated me and my stupid sensitive little ears.
Look, I get it. Ride hosts need to keep lines moving at this extremely (read: unjustly) popular park. The staff are following operational instructions. Those instructions are necessary because guests need guidance.
But when ride hosts are yelling so fast you can barely comprehend what they're saying, only to sarcastically yell "woooow" 10 times into the mic after blitzing through their spiel, it feels less about safety and more about the performative Cedar Point Arrogance.
What is Cedar Point Arrogance you ask? It's the weird lofty vibe that permeates the air of this amusement park. We're Cedar Point - we don't need to clean our toilets regularly! We're Cedar Point - we don't need a consistent loose articles policy! We're Cedar Point - we don't need to accurately post wait times! We're Cedar Point - we don't need our staff to be polite to guests! We're Cedar Point - we don't care if someone has their phone out on the Magnum lift hill! The main thing is they DID NOT TOUCH THEIR LAP BAR.
(If you read this in the tone of Frank Grimes losing his sh*t at Homer Simpson, congratulations)
The park may have 19 rollercoasters but only one of them is a 10/10 ride imo. And that's Maverick.
Hitting riders with slew of agressive turns following a bonkers beyond vertical drop, Maverick is frantic tour of all the best sensations one can find on a rollercoaster. It's a unique ride that will leave you breathless.
It's also the best coaster in the park. And it's the best Intamin Blitz coaster I've ridden by quite some way. (I rank them as follows: 1. Maverick 2. Cheetah Hunt 3. Taron 4. iSpeed 5. Taiga )
Towering over Maverick like a big ol Hybrid imposter stands Steel Vengeance. Or should I say: Steel Victim Of Its Own Hype?
As someone who doesn't love the small, sharp bucking bronco hills commonly found on lesser RMCs, I entered the line with fairly low expectations.
The wait was advertised at 45 minutes but it ended up taking 90 minutes. This coaster was one of 2 new-to-me coasters at this park and I'm pleased to report that SteVe is, in fact, better than the Wild Mouse.
My first ride was in row 6. Despite the front row and the back row having extended queue sections in the station, the ride host this time wouldn't let us wait for either row this time (neither extended queue sections were remotely full.)
The first half of Steel Vengeance is magnificent. The highlight for me is the inversions as they deliver some truly wonderful sensations. The larger airtime hills are also glorious, but there were some outward banked moments where I found myself asking - does this really need to be outwardly banked? Really?! At this time of year? At this time of day? Localised entirely within Frontier Town?
Up into the midcourse we plow and I'm surprised by how much I'm enjoying it so far. The Steel half is a good time.
Then the Vengeance half kicks in with a mean streak.
The train dives in to the support structure and starts repeatedly slamming me upwards into my lap bar like some sort of punishment. I can feel my legs bruising from one ride alone. An overbank offers a sweet moment of relief, but then I glance ahead and spy three more Lil Hills O Punishment awaiting. I grit my teeth and prepare for those question-filled outbursts of ejector: "How. Dare.
You. Not. Like. This???" screams the ride (and the vast majority of enthusiasts)
"Seymour, my thighs are on fire"
"No mother, it's just the RMC ride"
If we approach Steel Vengeance as a coaster of two halves, then I would rate each half as follows
9/10 for Steel
4/10 for Vengeance
Bringing the overall combined total for Steel Vengeance to a lowly 13/20, which is just enough to qualify for the Most Overhyped category in the Serena Ticket Awards 2024. Congratulations on your nomination SteVe *shakes Alan Schilkes hand*
I'd love to say that you forget Top Thrill is there but that would be a big 420ft lie. It looms in the middle of the park, oozing with Zamperla-tinged regret like an enthusiast riding their 5th Volare just for the credit.
With each clunk of a chain lift, I couldn't resist a taking wistful gaze over in TT2s direction from the top of the other coasters. The novelty of seeing a ride so big so static deserved many a solemn nod of appreciation - oh Zamperla, we salute you for trying. 2 Top 2 Thrill 2 Dragster may not be fast right now, but someone assuredly is furious.
While we could talk about all the many ways in which GateKeeper is fairly unremarkable as a wing coaster, I'd like to highlight the sense of occasion this ride has.
Big sign
️Big beach
️No big rides surrounding it and diminishing it's stature
️It's bird-like trains deftly thread the needles of the park entrance, making the ride graceful and watchable. It's also a lot more comfortable and enjoyable to ride than Valravn.
Yes, Nemesis Reborn and Mandrill Mayhem have gathered to welcome Valravn in to the (not so exclusive) B+M Rattle Club. Come on in Vally and take a seat with a nice bulky Vest Restraint. That'll kill any potential airtime in your otherwise cool, but rattly, layout.
Valravn also represents Cedar Points Wacky Loose Item policy at its most absurd.
You can't take a big bag in the line, so you have to pay for a locker. But you can take smaller items. With it being a bright day, I needed my sunglasses and a drink for the (longer than advertised) line.
Valravn has storage bins on the platform of the ride, but you are not allowed to use them for sunglasses / hats. Because you can only use the storage for flip-flops. Nothing else. You have to take loose items like shades and hats on the ride with you?! "Put them down your shirt" advise the staff. Guess what! The pressure of the vest restraint broke my sunglasses. What a bizarre policy, seems more about selling lockers than keeping guests safe?
Speaking of lockers, just like my, ahem, "beloved" Carowinds, you cannot buy a movable all-day locker at Cedar Point. You have to pay per ride and let me tell you, the cost of this quickly this adds up. And it gets frustrating when you need a locker for some rides but not for others. I'm just a girl wearing a dress with no pockets, standing before Cedar Fair, asking for a consistent locker policy. Please?
Will Cedar Point be the park to make me resort to wearing cargo pants? Magnum XL 200, the original Hyper Coaster built by my (actually) beloved Arrow Dynamics, has no right to be as good at this age. Yet it continues to defy expectations by offering some of the best airtime and forces in the park. A wonderful ride.
In terms of night rides, we got:
1 x front row night ride on Steel Vengeance (Fun, but not enough to raise its 13/20 score)
1 x front row night ride on Maverick - 10/10, exceptional.
1 x night ride on Millenium Force. Or should I say...Meh-llenium Force. This ride does very little for me beyond its wicked first drop.
The Green American Scream Machine known as Raptor was walk-on. It's the oldest and best B+M in the park, delivering plenty of force and whippy inversions.
I didn't ride Rougarou because I remembered it being awful last time.
Gemini is so much fun, it sure puts the "gem" into "Gemini." If you sit in the back you get lots of amazing airtime. We immediately ran around for multiple re-rides on this beauty.
Some point during Day 2, I got very overwhelmed by all the noise and staff shouting in the station. So I tried to find somewhere quiet to sit and failed. Even the Starbucks was blasting music super loud inside. The noise felt inescapable. I cursed this silly sensitive brain of mine.
You know what cures all ails? Going on the Shot Tower. A nice walk-on ride with some excellent views and a decent pop of floater at the top. Ah, just what the doctor ordered.
Another decent flat ride at Cedar Point is the parks Giant S+S Screaming Swing, Skyhawk. Which was also walk-on and super fun. I adore these giant swing rides so much.
I went to say hi to the parks baby Alpaca, Churro. Upon seeing his sweet little eyes I simply had to buy a lil bucket of food so I could feed this adorable angel.
It was a nice chance of pace before we mopped up all remaining coasters and finished up with final rides Maverick, Magnum and a coveted back row ride on SteVe.
Is Steel Vengeance the best coaster in the world? No. It's not even the best coaster in the park. But its stellar first half is enough to place the ride at number 5 in my RMC rankings:
1. Wildcat's Revenge
2. Zadra
3. Hakugei
4. Twisted Timbers
5. Steel Vengeance
6. Wildfire
7. Storm Chaser
8. Untamed
9. Iron Gwazi
10. Lighting Rod
11. Twisted Cylone
12. Jersey Devil Coaster
It's not often that a coaster would be better if it were shorter, but that's the case with SteVe in my opinion. Replace the second half with Twisted Timbers 3 back to back big airtime hills and you'd have an absolute winner there.
Is Cedar Point the best amusement park in the world? No. It's not even the best amusement park in Ohio. That title belongs to King's Islands and it's vast array of superior coasters.
If you made it to the end of this report, congratulations. I can only assume it was the energy of your indignant rage that kept you going, so I eagerly await to hear how wrong I am about everything in the comments
But seriously, thanks for reading. Sorry for not loving Cedar Point or Steel Vengeance.
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