Rate the joke above
- Thread starter Ollie
- Start date
ciallkennett
Strata Poster
^Eh? 1/10
2 Blondes walk out to the car park to collect their car. It is raining and they look confused. A man parked next to them asks them 'Are you ok?'
'Yes' replies one, trying to find her keys to open the door. They get out a piece of copper wire and try to pick the lock. 'Quick' says one to the other 'We left the top off and the seats are getting wet'
2 Blondes walk out to the car park to collect their car. It is raining and they look confused. A man parked next to them asks them 'Are you ok?'
'Yes' replies one, trying to find her keys to open the door. They get out a piece of copper wire and try to pick the lock. 'Quick' says one to the other 'We left the top off and the seats are getting wet'
3/10
heard it so many times its not funny anymore lol
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
heard it so many times its not funny anymore lol
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
Goliath123
Mega Poster
Funny 10/10
\
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."
\
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."
funny 10/10
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer
at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer
at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Slash
Giga Poster
HAHAHAHAHA!! 8/10
Three guys end up on a desert island. They walk around to try and find a way out when they are ambushed by cannibals. When all three wake up they see they are in the heart of the cannibal tribe.
The cannibal chief talks to them, he says:
"There are two tasks you must do to live. Firstly you must go out and find 10 of the same type of fruit then come back to here."
So the three men head off. After a while, the first returns with 10 apples. He asks the cannibal chief what to do next. The cannibal chief replies:
"You must shove those apples up your anus, but you cannot make any expression."
So the first man starts putting the apples up his anus, but on the third one he squeals with pain... they kill him.
The second man returns, with cherries, seeing the first man dead he feels uneasy but asks the cannibal chief, what he must do next. The chief answers again:
"You must shove those apples up your anus, but you cannot make any expression."
So the man starts shoving the cherries up his anus.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9 but on the tenth he burst out into laughter... they kill him.
The first and second guy met in heaven, the first said to the second.
"Why did you laugh, you were nearly out of there?"
The second replies, chuckling:
"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!"
Three guys end up on a desert island. They walk around to try and find a way out when they are ambushed by cannibals. When all three wake up they see they are in the heart of the cannibal tribe.
The cannibal chief talks to them, he says:
"There are two tasks you must do to live. Firstly you must go out and find 10 of the same type of fruit then come back to here."
So the three men head off. After a while, the first returns with 10 apples. He asks the cannibal chief what to do next. The cannibal chief replies:
"You must shove those apples up your anus, but you cannot make any expression."
So the first man starts putting the apples up his anus, but on the third one he squeals with pain... they kill him.
The second man returns, with cherries, seeing the first man dead he feels uneasy but asks the cannibal chief, what he must do next. The chief answers again:
"You must shove those apples up your anus, but you cannot make any expression."
So the man starts shoving the cherries up his anus.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9 but on the tenth he burst out into laughter... they kill him.
The first and second guy met in heaven, the first said to the second.
"Why did you laugh, you were nearly out of there?"
The second replies, chuckling:
"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!"
nealbie
CF Legend
10/10 exceptionally witty :lol:
Redneck took his daughter to the Gynocologist, they were in the room waiting for the doctor.
The doctor walked in and asked the father, "What are we here for today then?"
The father says, "Can you get my daughter on birth control?"
The doctor then asked the father, "So is your daughter sexually active?"
The father replies, "No, she just lays there like her mother."
Redneck took his daughter to the Gynocologist, they were in the room waiting for the doctor.
The doctor walked in and asked the father, "What are we here for today then?"
The father says, "Can you get my daughter on birth control?"
The doctor then asked the father, "So is your daughter sexually active?"
The father replies, "No, she just lays there like her mother."
hahahaha 9/10
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to ans wer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to ans wer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
Slash
Giga Poster
HAHA! made me chuckle, but not a hell of a lot, 6/10.
READ CAREFULLY!
St Peter at the pearly gates of heaven has had a message from god, this message states:
"You can only let in 33% of all individuals into heaven, the way to do this is to determine, ehich had the worst death."
Three men arrive in heavens waiting room. St Peter brings the first through. He sits the first man down and asks:
"How did you die?"
The first man answers:
"Well I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I came home from work to my apartment on the 25th floor of this apartment block. When I came back my wife was in the shower, so whilst she was in I took my time to find the bugger. I hunted high and low for the lowlife scum bag but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went outside, onto the balcony and I saw the cheating bastard hanging from the ledge! So I stamped on his hands, but the bastard wouldn't let go would he? So I went inside for the sledgehammer and came back outside to the guy trying to get back up. So I smashed his fingers with the sledgehammer, he fell... But the bastard didn't die did he? NO! He landed in a hedge! So I ran inside, got the fridge-freezer and threw it off the balcony. I felt so bad I shot myself..."
St Peter asks the first man to wait outside whilst he speaks to the rest. He invites the second man into his office and sits him down and yet again asks.
"How did you die?"
The second man says:
"Well, I was doing yoga on the balcony of my apartment, which is on the 27th floor, when I fell off the edge. Luckily I grabbed onto the 25th floor balcony of the apartment block. When this guy came outside, he looked really irate and he started jumping up and down on my fingers! I held on for dear life, hoping he would give up. He went inside, which gave me chance to try and haul myself up. But he came back with a sledgehammer and smashed my fingers so that I couldn't hold on anymore. I fell... but luck was on my side, I had landed in a bush that had taken my weight. I tried to get out but before I could I was flattened by a fridge-freezer."
The second man is asked to go outside and wait for St. Peter to call him back. St. Peter brings in the third man and asks once more:
"How did you die?"
The third man replies
"Imagine this, your standing, naked, in a fridge-freezer..."
READ CAREFULLY!
St Peter at the pearly gates of heaven has had a message from god, this message states:
"You can only let in 33% of all individuals into heaven, the way to do this is to determine, ehich had the worst death."
Three men arrive in heavens waiting room. St Peter brings the first through. He sits the first man down and asks:
"How did you die?"
The first man answers:
"Well I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I came home from work to my apartment on the 25th floor of this apartment block. When I came back my wife was in the shower, so whilst she was in I took my time to find the bugger. I hunted high and low for the lowlife scum bag but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went outside, onto the balcony and I saw the cheating bastard hanging from the ledge! So I stamped on his hands, but the bastard wouldn't let go would he? So I went inside for the sledgehammer and came back outside to the guy trying to get back up. So I smashed his fingers with the sledgehammer, he fell... But the bastard didn't die did he? NO! He landed in a hedge! So I ran inside, got the fridge-freezer and threw it off the balcony. I felt so bad I shot myself..."
St Peter asks the first man to wait outside whilst he speaks to the rest. He invites the second man into his office and sits him down and yet again asks.
"How did you die?"
The second man says:
"Well, I was doing yoga on the balcony of my apartment, which is on the 27th floor, when I fell off the edge. Luckily I grabbed onto the 25th floor balcony of the apartment block. When this guy came outside, he looked really irate and he started jumping up and down on my fingers! I held on for dear life, hoping he would give up. He went inside, which gave me chance to try and haul myself up. But he came back with a sledgehammer and smashed my fingers so that I couldn't hold on anymore. I fell... but luck was on my side, I had landed in a bush that had taken my weight. I tried to get out but before I could I was flattened by a fridge-freezer."
The second man is asked to go outside and wait for St. Peter to call him back. St. Peter brings in the third man and asks once more:
"How did you die?"
The third man replies
"Imagine this, your standing, naked, in a fridge-freezer..."
meh 5/10
One day a 10 year old boy was walking down the road when a car pulled
up beside him.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" the driver said.
"No way, get stuffed" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.
"No" replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh?" quizzed the driver, still driving slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy
"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies', the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."
One day a 10 year old boy was walking down the road when a car pulled
up beside him.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" the driver said.
"No way, get stuffed" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.
"No" replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh?" quizzed the driver, still driving slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy
"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies', the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."
9/10 old but still makes me laugh lol
Following the problems in the financial sector in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Following the problems in the financial sector in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
slash1994 said:
Slash, I've heard that joke dozens of times and told it even more often. I've even posted it here a few pages back. So to speak, I see/hear/tell that joke about twice a week.
And it never gets old. I'd given it a 10.
Cripollo, 10 for your avatar, 9 for the joke. Made me chuckle.
A man was on holiday in a town somewhere in Arabia. One day, he had nothing to do, so he walked to the bazaar area to rent a camel.
"This is a very good camel", the camel man said. "Just say "phew", to make it walk. If you think that it goes too slowly, say "phew-phew", and it will start running. To make it stop, just say "amen". It can't get simpler."
And the man "phew"-ed away. The camel walked slowly out of the town, and out in the desert. It humped along, but the man wanted it to go a bit faster. So he tried a "phew-phew".
Not had the word passed his lips, before the camel started galloping like it had the devil himself behind him. The man was utterly shocked by the sheer speed of the animal, and hung on for his dear life.
Suddenly, he saw that the camel was heading straight for a ravine. He had completely forgot how to stop the camel, and tried all the synonyms to "stop" he knew. And none of them worked. In desperation, he shouted a short prayer, and finished with amen. And the camel stopped on the spot, its hooved mere millimeters from the edge of the ravine.
"Th-that was close. T-t-too close. I-I'm-I'm alive! Phew!"
Pokemaniac said:
why thank you
:--D for the joke 5/10
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. "Downsizing."
He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them."
He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.
"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay?" He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."
And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest you jack off.
danielfitzgerald99
Hyper Poster
I believe the correct answer is a submarine ^ 5/10
Why did princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt :lol:
Why did princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt :lol:
wrong on so many levels fitzy 0/10
Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms.
The more boastful of the two went right to it and made love to his date. Afterwards he leaned over and marked a "l" on the wall. Feeling sprightly, he went again. And once again at the completion of the act he marked another "l" on the wall next to the first. Figuring he had the bet in the bag he decided to relax a bit and fell asleep.
Awakened by the sun's rays coming in the window he quickly grab his lady and did it one more time and marked another "l" on the wall. Just at that time his friend enters...and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims: "Damn! A hundred and eleven! Beat me by three!"
Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms.
The more boastful of the two went right to it and made love to his date. Afterwards he leaned over and marked a "l" on the wall. Feeling sprightly, he went again. And once again at the completion of the act he marked another "l" on the wall next to the first. Figuring he had the bet in the bag he decided to relax a bit and fell asleep.
Awakened by the sun's rays coming in the window he quickly grab his lady and did it one more time and marked another "l" on the wall. Just at that time his friend enters...and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims: "Damn! A hundred and eleven! Beat me by three!"