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Rate the joke above

7/10
Slightly amusing...

A man walks into a bar with a bag of tarmac and says: 'Can i have 2 pints please and 1 for the road'

*Sigh*
 
7/10. I never get short jokes (Read all mine in this topic, they're all too long).

So I'm posting another long one:

A man is running through the heavy rain, calling for a taxi, and jumps into one.
"Where d' you want me to drive?", says the taxi driver once the man is inside.
"Im'ginerry Hall, I'm going to a conference there. And I'm late."
"Im'ginerry Hall? That's a fair bit out at Im'ginerry Moor. Anyway, that's £14 from here"
"Aww, I've only got £12 right now, but can you still drive me all the way? It's raining heavily, and I'm late as it is!"
"You bet I can't. Pay £14, or you'll have to walk the rest of the way"

The taxi crosses most of Im'ginerry Moor, then stops.
"That's as far as you can get for £12, you'll have to walk from here"
"But you can see Im'ginerry Hall from here! And it's raining, and I'm late! Please, drive me the rest of the way!"
"Your problem, not mine"
The taxi leaves the man in the pouring rain, less than half a mile from the hall.

A week later, the same man is at the same taxi stop. This time, the weather is nice, and he has a lot of time. A few more taxis are waiting for customers, and in the back of the queue is the same taxi that left the man a week ago.
The man walks up to the first taxi and asks the driver:
"How much to Im'ginerry Hall? I'm going to a conference there"
"That would be £14"
"Here's £30, if we can stop and have some fun in the bushes on the way there"
"Hell no!", the taxi driver shouts. The man then walks up to the next taxi, and asks him the same question. And the next. All drivers give him various versions of "Get lost!" as answers.
Finally, he walks up to the last taxi, the one from a week ago.
"How much to Im'ginerry Hall?"
"£14"
The man gives the driver six five-pound bills.
"Here's £30, if you show them to the very unpolite colleagues of yours when we pass them"
 
That is quite possibly the worst joke I've ever read.

0/10.

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.


Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. ' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.

Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
 
This joke is disgustingly hilarious. Bare in mind I don't find such horrific acts of child abuse entertaining. It is how nasty the joke is that makes it funny.

What is more fun that nailing a baby to the wall...

Ripping it down!
 
5/10 OK really...

Along the same lines, a couple with a newborn baby went to a docter to ask him something.

The man said 'My wife is worried that she won't hear the baby if it falls out of its cot'

The docter replied 'That's easy to solve. Remove the carpet.'
 
0/10 It ain't there yet.

Ok another one of my one liners.

I stopped driving my car for 3 weeks....my tires got dizzy.
 
3/10...pretty bleh.

Why do Chinese Goverment officials keep away from casinos, horse tracks and lotto newsagents?

Because they don't like to bet. (Say it aloud)
 
LOL.

I really like that- nice one 9/10.

OK, a bit of a long one but it's funny (well I thought so anyway)

DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra. He shot and

dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side
of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field,
and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in
Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in North Cowra. We settle small disagreements like this
with the 'Three Kick Rule.'


The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I
get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three
times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."


The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.


Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer
very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm
of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."


...........


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the
duck."
 
7/10, pretty funny actually.

Now, I've modified the joke below to suit the "UK market".

Q) What do chavs and sperm have in common?

A) One out of three million has a chance of becoming a human being.
 
3/10

Didn't really like it

The crazy man.

Ok, so a guy walks into a doctors office, wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap. He asks the lady at the front desk if he can see a doctor.So, the doctor comes into the romm, and asks the man "What's the problem?" The man replies "Doctor, I think there's something wrong". The doctor calmly replies "I can clearly see your nuts".

Old, and I forgot the ending, lol :lol:
 
You can't tell a joke if you forget the ending. :roll:
2/10


It was entertainment time at the Day Centre for the elderly and the

Amazing Claude was topping the bill.



People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike

most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a

trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful

antique pocket watch from his coat.



'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting


'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ....'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light

gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,

it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking

into a hundred pieces.



'****,' said the Hypnotist.



It took three days to clean up the Day Centre.
 
I cracked a smile and chuckled, which is more than I can say for most jokes I see on the internet. 7/10


The Alligator Joke

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside for one minute, during which time the alligator will not close his mouth and crush my package. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, he removed his genitals, unscathed as promised, and as soon as they were clear the alligator snapped its mouth shut with astonishing force.

The amazed crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.

No hands went up immediately, though one man in the front row audibly remarked, "I'd give it a go, but I don't think I could keep my mouth open that long."
 
Both 5/10

A little boy is with his father at a training studio. He gets tired from watching at him, so he goes off to explore a bit on his own. Afte some minutes, he finds a bodybuilder working on one of the toughest training machines in the studio. The boy watches him for some minutes, then says:

- You look like the green one I saw on TV.

- Oh, says the bodybuilder and shows off his biceps.
- You mean the Hulk?

- No, Kermit.
 
What's more fun than nailing 6 babies to a tree?...

Nailing a baby to 6 trees


What's the best thing about 22 year olds?...

There's 20 of them

Before I am accused of being sick, I didn't come up with those. I heard them off a friend today and thought they were funny.
 
Meh... The baby jokes are never great.

You also need to write "twenty-two year olds..." ;)


Here's my joke:

Ollie isn't gay.

:lol:

Only kidding Ollie.
 
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