The Chipboard Cities Tour

[Ian]

On Sunday just gone, me and one of my best mates, Paul, headed to the poor, dank, miserable, northern half of the UK to visit some of the cities we’ve never been to. This, boys and girls is our story.

Before I begin, just a few pointers.

The name “Chipboard Cities Tour” was a name we called the jaunt when I remarked how many buildings were boarded up with chipboard compared to the cities in the south of the UK. Seriously, we saw loads!

Minimal effort was put into taking the photos. So if you’re expecting glorious high-quality photos then don’t bother reading on. We just snapped away with a dated compact camera, making no effort to frame or whatever. I’m not apologising for this, I just want you to be aware that Raybould didn’t take them.

The opinions in this report are based around my own observations and I do not set out to intentionally offend (honestly!). If I think something is crap, I’ll say so. I am quite snobby by nature and also brutally honest with my opinions.

Right, as Noel Edmonds would say, that’s the housekeeping done. Lets play Deal or No Deal.


We left Eastleigh at 8am on Sunday morning. Our first stop was Newcastle, a staggering 317 miles away. The hire car we had was a new Vauxhall Insignia. A decent car with plenty of toys. One of which was a USB port for the iPod. Unfortunately I didn’t take mine along, so I had to endure Paul’s music. Paul insisted on listening to the iPod in song alphabetical order. Urgh.

It was a long drive. Paul insisted on doing all the driving because Paul is a worse passenger than me.

That suited me as I could remain in a drunken state for the duration and eat sweets and take photos.

We saw a power plant. May not be exciting to some people, but to Paul and me it was. We’re not used to seeing massive industry like this and we were impressed by the sheer scale of this plant. Its somewhere up north on the A1.

We went right.

As we approached Gateshead we could see the first of our planned stops. Can you see it in the background?

Yes, it’s the Angel of the North. Here’s the blurb if anybody is interested.

Here’s the Arse of The Angel of the North.

And the Shapely Boobs of The Angle of The North.

Everybody went down here to take a photo of it.

Most people mimicked the Angel. Of course I had to as well.

The AotN was a lot smaller than I had imagined. Having seen it on the telly and, I thought it would have been much bigger. Ok, it is big but just not as big as I thought. I think it’s a rather interesting and impressive piece of art and it was cool to see and touch it.

So on we went! We had made great progress – Paul has a heavy left foot (lol, make a joke out of that if you wish!). It was 1pm-ish as we hit headed over the Tyne Bridge towards our hotel.

The cars inbuilt sat nav did not like the roundabout near the Metro radio building and we ended up getting a bit lost. Out came my glorious iPhone and soon we were back on track. Driving about did give us the chance to see the not-so-lovely 1950’s concrete structures. And yes, plenty of chipboard. Very much like Southampton before the mass development a few years ago.

We found the hotel – Newcastle Central Travelodge – but it was too early to check in. I suggested to Paul that there we could go and see South Shields “as it was supposed to be nice.” Obviously I had other plans in mind. I wanted to grab the credits at Ocean Beach and I promised Paul there was an all you can eat restaurant nearby. His eyes lit up and we headed off.

So, Ocean Beach for two crappy rollercoasters, costing me a grand total of £3.50.

I’m assuming that cleanliness or running water is new to northerners? Why else would they have instructions on how to wash your hands and operate a tap?

So yeah, Apple Coaster first. Went round a total of five circuits so I got my moneys worth. Paul found it hysterical that I would ride a kids coaster. I maintained a serious look on my face throughout.

The Zyklon thingy was next. Check out Paul’s amazing photography here…

Once I had done my thing, we messed about in the arcades. Paul is fruit machine addict. He spent a total of 20 quid but says he won £45. Erm, yeah ok.

I played on the 2p machines. More in my budget and excitement parameters.

They even had posh 10p ones for the wealthy!

It was now 4ish and we were hungry, so we went to Taybarns. Big John and Tanya introduced this place to me. It’s basically an American style all-you-can-eat buffet. They do pizza, Chinese, Mexican, grill products, roasts, soups, salads, desserts and so forth. I had five platefuls (including two deserts). I let your imagination decide how many Paul had :wink:

We headed back to Newcastle city centre to check in. The Lodge was rank. We were greeted by the most disgusting smell ever. I can only describe it as seaweed that has been pickling in tramps piss for three years. It’s no wonder that the sour faced bint of reception was a mardy cow. Here’s our room. Right above the main entrance.

It had a decent view. The area around the quayside is lovely. The old architecture is still there and it’s been tarted up with some nice paving and whatnot. We could see the Tyne, but no fog on it.

We both had epic turds before heading out to see the city and get pissed. Here’s the quayside. I like the different levels. It’s sort of American with a British slant to it.

Here’s a building. Couldn’t be arsed to find out what it’s called but it looked like a big silver slug sat next to a dirty river.

Here’s the Millennium Bridge.

Lol, as we were walking towards the bridge there was a busker doing a really dire version of the Doctor Who theme tune on his guitar, complete with “woo-hoo-whoo” noises. I appreciate tacky entertainment so I threw a 50p at him, to which he thanked me by shouting “EXTERMINATE!” in a darlek voice. I pissed myself laughing.

We walked over the bridge and then back again. View from the bridge.

An impressive looking building.

Another building for you. I quite liked this one actually. It’s very much in the style of an Amsterdam building. Thin and tall.

It’s rather hilly as you walk up from the quayside towards the city centre and bar area. Paul’s not the fittest of people so we had to stop every few minutes. I liked it though. It’s much better than the bland, flat, plastic cities I’m used on the south coast.

Church. Probably not much use for one of these up here.

China Town. Had a few drinks in a nearby pub. Paul won £30 on the fruit machine. I necked two pints whilst talking to this Geordie Chinese couple. I struggled do understand but we smiled politely.

We had enough of the touristy crap by now and decided to hit Bigg Market. Big Market is renowned for it’s slags and nightlife. I’m an avid read of adult-comic Viz, so this was like entering a world I’ve read so much about. It was quite awesome I thought.

Sure enough, Bigg Market was a Meett Market…even on a Sunday night! The birds fell into two categories. You had the fat slags as portrayed in Viz, or you had the slim, long legged, fake tanned stunners. Absolutely no imbetweeners. **** me, there was plenty of skirt around. Chatted to a few birds although I wasn’t on my best form so nothing really developed. However, I did fall in love with the Geordie accent. It’s some warm and sensual.

After a couple more drinks and a few more bars, we stumbled back down towards the quayside for a quiet nightcap before hitting the hay.

Here’s the bridge at night. The colours change.

The slug looking building.

And a grainy photo of Paul and me.

So that was Newcastle. The city certainly has a unique character. It’s a very honest, open and friendly city. I don’t think that there much there for an average tourist, but as a stag/hen do/massive piss up city, it’s ideal. I’d certainly go back, if only for the nightlife.

Coming in the next instalment of The Chipboard Cities Tour…
· Whisky, whisky and more whisky
· The Hunt for Haggis
· Huge mounds…Edinburgh awaits!

 

[Lain]

I swear that power station the fourth pic is Ferrybridge 'C', which you can see from my house, so woo.

I also think the giant silver slug is cool.

 

[Rach]

I'm sure I recognise that power station too. I know it is not too far away from Leeds.
I remember falling asleep on the way back from Lightwater last year and waking up around that power station.

Great report as well btw Ian, Newcastle and Edinburgh are two cities that I really want to visit.
Looking forward to the next part.

 

[kimahri]

HOLY ****ING ****E!!!

There is a Taybarns 5 minutes walk away from me.

By any chance did you drive past a tesco with a pointy top with a mcdonalds and car wash next to it?

 

[furie]

Awesome Ian! It's been 15 years since I was out on the piss in Newcastle. I used to love it up there, brilliant night out, and (apart from the Geordie lads trying to rip each other's throats out in a friendly way) it's a really friendly place. I always felt really comfortable just wandering around there

Looking forward to seeing what you made of my other old city to get pissed in - Liverpool...

 

[Ian]

By any chance did you drive past a tesco with a pointy top with a mcdonalds and car wash next to it?

Was that an EMO car wash? If so then yes, yes we did. On the right hand side heading out of South Shields, on a duel carriageway. I do remember seeing a car wash (it had a special offer on) near a Tesco as we stopped in there to get lottery tickets.

It's fact that most of the lottery winners come from up north. So we decided to buy a ticket in each of the northern cities we visited.

Looking forward to seeing what you made of my other old city to get pissed in - Liverpool...

Liverpool was the last day of our jaunt. I didn't see much of the city centre or the nightlife but I feel like I got a good feel for the city. You'll have to wait a while for the report. Got Edinburgh and Blackpool to cover first...then after Liverpool is a bonus day!

I'll probably stay in this evening so expect the next part tonight.

 

[Pierre]

The Slug is called the Sage, so you weren't far off LOL.

Its been two years since I went on the piss in Newcastle and I was ****ing paraletic by the time we hit the town... but I'm sure I recognise that road, did you by any chance pass a bar called the "Mushroom Bar"

LOL also earlier in that road (if its the right one) was a basement bar, of which its 'walls' were mainly chipboard, but 3 TRIPLE voddy&lemonades for a 5er sold it for me.

Did you hit The Gate too? Theres plenty of dirty slags around there

 

[Ian]

did you by any chance pass a bar called the "Mushroom Bar"

Did you hit The Gate too? Theres plenty of dirty slags around there

Pass. Have to admit that I wasn't pay that much attention to the bar names. We just followed the crowds as that tends to be the best way to find out whats good.

I would strongly recommend a night out in Newcastle to everybody. I have to admit that I'm starting to feel a "bit old for this ****" when it comes to clubbing. I'd much rather just enjoy a few quiet beers and chat away. However, I didn't feel out of place in Newcastle. Great mixture of people there.

 

[Pierre]

Oh the Gate isn't just one bar, its an entertainment complex, with nightclubs and cinemas, restaurants e.t.c

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/104/2870 ... 690f_o.jpg

Anyway, despite being a Northerner I still haven't visited the Angel of the North.
And I hope after spending some time in Newcastle you can recognise the difference between Boro and Geordie, and why it annoys people from Boro when they're mistaken for Geordies.

 

[Ian]

^ Ah yes, we walked around the Gate. Looked a bit plastic and fake for me and Paul. We passed it as we walked up from Bigg Market towards Chinatown.

 

[kimahri]

IANS BEEN NEAR MY HOUSE!!!

 

[Ian]

That's exciting. I'm guessing yours would have been the house with that smiley face thing you like to post now andnow painted on the front? (Not that I saw one but how 'mazin' would that have been?)

 

[kimahri]

No.

No face

 

[Ian]

Seeing as I’m sat home drinking whisky, I may as well regale you all with the next part of the tale.

The next city on our jaunt was Edinburgh. I have been to Edinburgh twice before. Once with seven other mates (including Paul) for a piss up back in 2005 and gain with an ex-girlfriend back in 2007. Both times it rained, yet that didn’t stop me enjoying the city. If I were to have a Favourite 5 UK Cities list, Edinburgh would certainly feature in it.

The whole purpose of the trip was to drive to Scotland. Paul was incredibly pissed one night and said that he fancied driving to Scotland as it’s something that he’s never done. He’s not one to set unrealistic goals in life! The rest of the trip was padded out when I became involved. I like to travel and explore, even if it is my own back yard.

So, yeah, on with it, I guess.

Despite being quite hungover, we left the Lodge at 8:30am into the unknown. Edinburgh is 121 miles from Newcastle, all of it on an A road, which disappointed us as we wanted to make good progress. Leaving Newcastle we must have seen about 10 sings telling us how far away Jedburgh is. Neither of us had ever heard of it.

It soon became quite clear that the A696 was no ordinary and boring A road. In fact, it’s possibly one of the most picturesque roads I have travelled along and, according to Paul, a delight to drive. Long straights, sweeping bends with the occasional challenging bend, difference in altitude…a driver and a passenger’s dream. Paul certainly put the Insignia to the test.

In no time at all, we had crossed the border into Bonnie Scotland. We made the usual jokes about having our jabs and currency.

Still on the A696, the mysterious Jedburgh was getting closer and the scenery even more barren, rugged and imo, gorgeous.

And then, all of a sudden – BANG! WE HIT JEDBURGH! If you’ve never been to Jedburgh, you’re probably wondering why I’m making a fuss about it. Look at this:

My camera does not do it justice. Imagine a castle ruin sitting on a hilltop beside a quaint little village that springs out of nowhere. It took my breath away, the way the old and the new, along with Mother Nature’s forestry on the other side all joined together as one.

I think the impressive nature of it is down to travelling by car, the castle ruins JUMP right up on you. In the 1500s when the castle was there (was the home of Mary, Queen of Scots), visitors would have been approaching by horse or on foot and would have seen the castle from a distance thus creating less of shock and impressive value…within context obviously!

With Jedburgh no longer on the road signs, the signs became quite grotty and the road the A68. However, that means we must be closer to Scotland’s capital by now!

Being stereotypical Scotland, it started to rain.

Yes, heavy rain.

****ing pissed the **** down!

Soon it cleared and again Paul could enjoy the road and I could enjoy the view.

And eventually…

We drove around for a while trying to find somewhere to park near The Royal Mile. As I mentioned earlier, we both have been to Edinburgh before so we didn’t do all the touristy stuff…just a few missions. First of which was buying lottery tickets. Anyway, we parked up and walked up The Royal Mile towards the castle.

That view is looking down way from the castle. The architecture in Edinburgh is amazing. It’s really gothic, grand and opulent. Here’s a photo of some building. Didn’t catch what it was, just say it and snapped away.

Is that a cat drowning? No, it’s a man in a dress playing an inflated octopus.

Another building. Lovely. Where most British cities I’ve visited are “golden” in terms of bricks and mortar, Edinburgh is quite dark. No wonder the Scots seem quite deflated at times.

Eventually we reached our destination – The Scotch Whisky Experience (SWE). We browsed the shop.

I was like a kid in a sweetshop, or an alcoholic in an off-license would be a better way of putting it. I have never, ever, seen such a massive variety of whisky.

I convinced Paul to do the tour. It starts off with a dark ride where you sit in a car shaped like a whisky barrel projections, sounds and smells explain the whisky production process. I learnt one or two things.

Then came the second best bit – how to differentiate between the four different whisky regions.

A bloke explained the four different regions and the unique smell and flavour each region has. This involved us sniffing bottles from each regions and identifying the smells. I had the slight impression that the rest of the tour group thought I was a bit of a know all. I correctly answered every question he put to the group and identified the smells spot on. Either that or the rest were to shy to say anything.

We then had to choose which region we liked the best by smell alone. The guide then poured us a small dram of whisky to taste. He poured it into a special tasting glass that we could keep as a souvenir.

Once we had our drams, we headed into the tasting room.

The guide explained how to appreciate whisky. This involves swirling the whisky around and watching how it falls down the glass – you can tell a lot about its quality by doing this. I won’t bore you with the details, but as a seasoned whisky drinker, I found it very useful.

The tasting room also boasts the largest collection of unopened whisky in the world. Some of the bottles are now no longer produced and therefore worth thousands of £££s to a collector. The entire collection was owned by one man. It became too much for him to handle so he handed it over to Scotland!

After our tasting session (I had Paul’s, he doesn’t like whisky – hurrah!) we left the tour and I picked up a bottle of whisky on the way out – a 15-year Balvenie. I’m sipping it as I write this.

We left the SWE and head back to the car. Paul brought some cigars in a specialised tobacconist, I photographed this car.

Hmm, that’s that building again. Must be something significant. Meh.

I find this just as funny as I did 4 years ago!

We didn’t see any chipboard at all in Edinburgh! The next mission was to head to Blackpool and enroute find some haggis…and chipboard.

The drive was a long one, but pretty all the same.

Eventually we found a small village called Biggar. I refused to buy from a supermarket. I wanted a proper haggis made fresh that day by a butcher. We found a butcher. I told him how much I love haggis and how crap the Halls one is that I can only get down south and he gave me a regular haggis for £2!! Cheaper than a supermarket.

After heading off the beaten track, we got back on the main roads heading south-west. Still looking pretty spectacular.

Come on, how beautiful is this? Living down south near the New Forest, I experience a fair amount of nice scenery every day but NOTHING of this grandeur.

It may have gone to the dogs over the past decade, but it’s my home country and I love it all the same. Yep…

Urgh. We need cheering up.

We stopped at the next services and **** me, it was the poshest services I had ever been to. It had a ****ing farm shop, toy shop, cheese counter and a fishmongers FFS! And an old lady behind the counter serving home made cakes! It pissed all over a Welcome Break. This was a services for posh people!

Paul was mightily impressed that they sold white pudding and Dandelion & Burdock. He brought both. The ciggies are import.

I brought some “yoghurt ginger.” Never seen or even heard of it before but it sounded nice and it tasted divine!

Back on the road we hit loads of road works.

It started to hammer down with wetness.

And then we hit Blackpool…

Coming up in part 3 of The Chipboard Cities Tour…
· Old people
· Blackpool nightlife.
· More old people!

 

[Dave]

Excellent trip, made me want to visit Edinburgh just for the whiskey factory now! I can't wait for your Liverpool trip report section, thats one of the cities I'd love to live if I moved up north.

 

[Ian]

Excellent trip, made me want to visit Edinburgh just for the whiskey factory now!

Many thanks for the trip report thumbs up, but I'm pulling out what little hair I have left every time I see somebody spell 'whisky' with an 'e' when referring to scotch whisky.

Whiskey is mainly an Irish or American product. Whisky refers to Scotch whisky - the best in the world!

Perhaps you should go on the tour, Mr Gay-but-not!

 

[Dave]

I did wonder whether it was Whiskey or Whisky, I forgot, bad barman I am!

 

[Ian]

I did wonder whether it was Whiskey or Whisky, I forgot, bad barman I am!

People only spell when the talk to call centre operators, not barmen. You're forgiven 'cus you correctly spelt 'whether'.

Great report, laughed a lot while reading it, how long till Blackpool?

Cheers. I'm hoping I can write up Blackpool this weekend. I want to document it all before the Belvenie kicks in!

As I'm here, what I described as a castle in Jedburg is actually an abbey. Mary, QoS only stayed in the village. Moral of the story is not to trust the information boards in Jedbugh.

All hail Jedburgh.

 

[Emmett]

Brilliant reports so far Ian, had some laugh reading the Newcastle one. Looking forward to seeing Blackpool and Liverpool.

 

[Nadia]

Loving it Ian!! Can't wait to read the other reports

Edinburgh is gorgeousss!! I've only been once but I actually felt as though I'd been away away! It's just so different to anywhere else! I'd love to go back sometime!

Haha and my coach stopped off at that posh service station on the way back from Scotland and omg did I struggle to find a decentish/cheap sandwich! They had no bloody prawn ones either! It cost me £5.25 for a tuna roll thing and a bottle of water, NOT IMPRESSED! It's extremeeeeeely posh!