Rate the joke above
- Thread starter Ollie
- Start date
monkeyonatable
Mega Poster
6/10
There was a teacher teaching her 6th grade class, and just for fun she asked her class, "Who in here is an Obama fan?" Not knowing what she was asking everyone in the class, but one, raised their hands. The teacher curiously asked the student who didn't raise his hand, "Jimmy, why didn't you raise you hand?"
Jimmy replied, "Because I am not an Obama Fan."
The teacher then asked, "Why aren't you an Obama Fan?"
"Well, my mom is a republican, and my dad is a republican, so I am a republican."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "Well, if your mom was a moron and you dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Jimmy smiled and said, "An Obama Fan."
If poking fun at the US President isn't your thing, I got one more for you, VEKOMA!
There was a teacher teaching her 6th grade class, and just for fun she asked her class, "Who in here is an Obama fan?" Not knowing what she was asking everyone in the class, but one, raised their hands. The teacher curiously asked the student who didn't raise his hand, "Jimmy, why didn't you raise you hand?"
Jimmy replied, "Because I am not an Obama Fan."
The teacher then asked, "Why aren't you an Obama Fan?"
"Well, my mom is a republican, and my dad is a republican, so I am a republican."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "Well, if your mom was a moron and you dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Jimmy smiled and said, "An Obama Fan."
If poking fun at the US President isn't your thing, I got one more for you, VEKOMA!
Screaming Coasters
Strata Poster
ermmmm.... 3/10
What do you call an Indian with a pig on his head?
Hammed.
What do you call an Indian with a pig on his head?
Hammed.
0/10
Tom was a poor student who really wanted a car. Preferrably, he wanted a Ferrari, but with a weekly wage of £20, how can one afford that?
One day, while he was skimming through the local newspaper, he saw a small notice near the bottom of a page:
Barely used Ferrari for sale. Only £10. Potential byuers can contact Diane, 220 Killmule Hill
Killmule hill? That was not far away, just ten minutes with the bus. And Tom had nothing to do today, so he decided to give it a try. If it was a scam, well, he'd only loose £10.
220 Killmule Hill turned out to be a large villa in the middle of the posh area. Tom looked at the massive wrought iron gates, and the gigantic mansion behind it. He pressed the gatephone button, and a butler's voice told him that mrs Diane would be waiting in the garage. The gates opened with a small click, and Tom started walking up the driveway, passing several statues and the largest swimming pool he had ever seen, then into the garage, that seemed to have room enough for twenty cars. Once inside, he saw the shiniest read Ferrari he could possibly imagine. Even at this distance, he could see his face reflected in the windscreen, the black horse on the emblem almost seemed to be moving, the seats looked just as comfy as the adverts said. It took a few seconds before he spotted the middle-aged woman standing behind it.
"Mrs Diane, I presume?", Tom stammered, finding it hard to look at anything else than the car. "Is that... the car you are selling?"
"It is", the woman answered. "And you're the only one to show up so far. I think I put a too low price in the advert, everyone must have thought it was a scam. Anyways, it's yours for a tenner"
"Wow...", Tom said. But a tiny voice at the back of his head told him that something was wrong somewhere.
"You look like you think something is wrong", mrs Diane said. "You want to try it before you buy it?"
She handed him the keys, and Tom drove out of the garage, down the driveway. The motor sounded like a tiger ready to attack, a low growling with the potential to grow to a mighty roar at the lightest touch of his foot on the accelerator. Tom put on one of the CDs he found in the passenger seat, and concluded that there was nothing wrong with the car stereo. The air condition system could turn the car into a sauna or a freezer in less than a minute, and he didn't even notice the transition between the paved roads and the cobbled roads in the old town. Someone must be mad - or hiding something - if they wanted to sell this beauty for ten pounds. Tom drove to the car registry to check the legality of this. It turned out that the car was bought by the mrs Diane a few years back, and she had never got as much as a parking ticket with it. It was currently listed as "for sale" in the registry.
"Well then, what about the condition of the car?", Tom thought. "I am clueless about cars, but a friend of mine owns a garage down the road, I'll ask him"
Ten minutes later, an even more puzzled Tom drove the Ferrari out of the garage. The mechanic had taken a look at the car, and estimated its value to about 650,000 punds. It was in perfect condition, full gas tank, no rust, and had been overhauled less than two months ago.
"Perfectly legal, perfect condition, and the lady is appearently sane as well", Tom said to himself. "There's no reason not to buy it, then"
He drove back to the Villa, and handed mrs Diane a ten-pound note.
"But... why are you selling it this cheap?", he asked her.
"You see", she answered. "Two weeks ago, my husband and his bitc... sorry, blonde secretary..., went to Bahamas, on a "company trip". Last night, I got a mail from him, saying: "Out of cash. Sell the Ferrari, send me the money". And that's what I'm doing right now"
Tom was a poor student who really wanted a car. Preferrably, he wanted a Ferrari, but with a weekly wage of £20, how can one afford that?
One day, while he was skimming through the local newspaper, he saw a small notice near the bottom of a page:
Barely used Ferrari for sale. Only £10. Potential byuers can contact Diane, 220 Killmule Hill
Killmule hill? That was not far away, just ten minutes with the bus. And Tom had nothing to do today, so he decided to give it a try. If it was a scam, well, he'd only loose £10.
220 Killmule Hill turned out to be a large villa in the middle of the posh area. Tom looked at the massive wrought iron gates, and the gigantic mansion behind it. He pressed the gatephone button, and a butler's voice told him that mrs Diane would be waiting in the garage. The gates opened with a small click, and Tom started walking up the driveway, passing several statues and the largest swimming pool he had ever seen, then into the garage, that seemed to have room enough for twenty cars. Once inside, he saw the shiniest read Ferrari he could possibly imagine. Even at this distance, he could see his face reflected in the windscreen, the black horse on the emblem almost seemed to be moving, the seats looked just as comfy as the adverts said. It took a few seconds before he spotted the middle-aged woman standing behind it.
"Mrs Diane, I presume?", Tom stammered, finding it hard to look at anything else than the car. "Is that... the car you are selling?"
"It is", the woman answered. "And you're the only one to show up so far. I think I put a too low price in the advert, everyone must have thought it was a scam. Anyways, it's yours for a tenner"
"Wow...", Tom said. But a tiny voice at the back of his head told him that something was wrong somewhere.
"You look like you think something is wrong", mrs Diane said. "You want to try it before you buy it?"
She handed him the keys, and Tom drove out of the garage, down the driveway. The motor sounded like a tiger ready to attack, a low growling with the potential to grow to a mighty roar at the lightest touch of his foot on the accelerator. Tom put on one of the CDs he found in the passenger seat, and concluded that there was nothing wrong with the car stereo. The air condition system could turn the car into a sauna or a freezer in less than a minute, and he didn't even notice the transition between the paved roads and the cobbled roads in the old town. Someone must be mad - or hiding something - if they wanted to sell this beauty for ten pounds. Tom drove to the car registry to check the legality of this. It turned out that the car was bought by the mrs Diane a few years back, and she had never got as much as a parking ticket with it. It was currently listed as "for sale" in the registry.
"Well then, what about the condition of the car?", Tom thought. "I am clueless about cars, but a friend of mine owns a garage down the road, I'll ask him"
Ten minutes later, an even more puzzled Tom drove the Ferrari out of the garage. The mechanic had taken a look at the car, and estimated its value to about 650,000 punds. It was in perfect condition, full gas tank, no rust, and had been overhauled less than two months ago.
"Perfectly legal, perfect condition, and the lady is appearently sane as well", Tom said to himself. "There's no reason not to buy it, then"
He drove back to the Villa, and handed mrs Diane a ten-pound note.
"But... why are you selling it this cheap?", he asked her.
"You see", she answered. "Two weeks ago, my husband and his bitc... sorry, blonde secretary..., went to Bahamas, on a "company trip". Last night, I got a mail from him, saying: "Out of cash. Sell the Ferrari, send me the money". And that's what I'm doing right now"
Screaming Coasters
Strata Poster
It's more of a joke to be told, than to read. I also wasted half my life reading all of that, only to get to a crappy ending. 1/10
What do you call and Indian with 2 pigs on his head?
Morehammed
What do you call and Indian with 2 pigs on his head?
Morehammed
Sean_Rohan
Mega Poster
^ 2/10
...An old man pulls up outside a Primary School, he opens the car door and spots a young boy walking past....
He called out to the boy whilst holding out a bag of sweets; ''Psst, if I give you a sweet would you come in my car?'' he said.
To which the boy replied, ''...give me the whole bag I'll come in your mouth.''
...An old man pulls up outside a Primary School, he opens the car door and spots a young boy walking past....
He called out to the boy whilst holding out a bag of sweets; ''Psst, if I give you a sweet would you come in my car?'' he said.
To which the boy replied, ''...give me the whole bag I'll come in your mouth.''
Screaming Coasters
Strata Poster
... EWWW LOL 6/10 just for the fact it was grim!
What do you call an Indian with 2 pigs on his head, squashed in-between 2 houses?
Morehammed Ali
What do you call an Indian with 2 pigs on his head, squashed in-between 2 houses?
Morehammed Ali
3/10, better than Erol's jokes at least.
James and Cathryn Jonson from Wisconsin had been married for 30 years, and decided to spend the jubilee week at the hotel they had spent their honeymoon in, in Florida. The tickets were bought and ordered, then suddenly Cathryn got a phone call from her boss. An earthquake had toppled all the shelves in the library she was working in, and she had to get there quick to sort out books, repair damages and put them back into the right place. Disappointed, she told her husband that she had to stay at home for three more days. They decided that the man could travel down there first, and she would come a few days later.
The afternoon the next day, mr Jonson arrived at the hotel in Florida. The hotel hadn't changed much, it was just as cozy as he remembered from 30 years back. He greeted the hotel owner, who was the same man they had got to know during their honeymoon. Against all odds, the hotel owner remembered mr Jonson. After packing out, and checking the facilities, he wrote a letter to his wife. When he went to the reception to post it, the owner smiled and said that they had gotten new computers, and that he could send her an email instead. Mr Jonson wasn't that familiar with computers, and asked if the hotel owner could write it for him instead. He hastily told the owner her mail adress, and went out to bask in the Florida sun.
Ten minutes later, Katelyn Johnson from Idaho got home from her husband James' funeral. He had had a large family, and there hadn't been time to tell everyone about his death before the funeral had to take place. Still broken and trembling with tears, she sat down at the computer to write mails to her husband's relatives. As she opened the mail program, she noticed a new message, from "James J:son". It read:
Hello sweetheart!
I have finally arrived here, and it really looks just like I pictured it. They have got computers here now, and I can send mail to the family. I really wish you were here as well, and look forward to see you arrive on Thursday. The boss here has good contacts, some friends of his will come and pick you up at home, to get you here faster. I know we agreed that you could wait a bit longer, but the boss wanted to see you here as soon as possible. Just prepare yourself for the departure in the meantime.
Love,
James.
P.S. It's really hot down here.
James and Cathryn Jonson from Wisconsin had been married for 30 years, and decided to spend the jubilee week at the hotel they had spent their honeymoon in, in Florida. The tickets were bought and ordered, then suddenly Cathryn got a phone call from her boss. An earthquake had toppled all the shelves in the library she was working in, and she had to get there quick to sort out books, repair damages and put them back into the right place. Disappointed, she told her husband that she had to stay at home for three more days. They decided that the man could travel down there first, and she would come a few days later.
The afternoon the next day, mr Jonson arrived at the hotel in Florida. The hotel hadn't changed much, it was just as cozy as he remembered from 30 years back. He greeted the hotel owner, who was the same man they had got to know during their honeymoon. Against all odds, the hotel owner remembered mr Jonson. After packing out, and checking the facilities, he wrote a letter to his wife. When he went to the reception to post it, the owner smiled and said that they had gotten new computers, and that he could send her an email instead. Mr Jonson wasn't that familiar with computers, and asked if the hotel owner could write it for him instead. He hastily told the owner her mail adress, and went out to bask in the Florida sun.
Ten minutes later, Katelyn Johnson from Idaho got home from her husband James' funeral. He had had a large family, and there hadn't been time to tell everyone about his death before the funeral had to take place. Still broken and trembling with tears, she sat down at the computer to write mails to her husband's relatives. As she opened the mail program, she noticed a new message, from "James J:son". It read:
Hello sweetheart!
I have finally arrived here, and it really looks just like I pictured it. They have got computers here now, and I can send mail to the family. I really wish you were here as well, and look forward to see you arrive on Thursday. The boss here has good contacts, some friends of his will come and pick you up at home, to get you here faster. I know we agreed that you could wait a bit longer, but the boss wanted to see you here as soon as possible. Just prepare yourself for the departure in the meantime.
Love,
James.
P.S. It's really hot down here.
Ollie
CF Legend
6/10 Heard it before and you didn't mention how the wife thought her husband dies when she knew he went out on the flight before her. Still quite good though.
Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:
1. Chicken McBobbitts
2. Salmon McNella
3. Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal
4. Shirley McLean Burger
5. McMenudo
6. Filet o' Gefilte Fish
7. Way Too Happy Meal
8. Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
9. Them Ain't Nuggets!
10. McKitty Sandwich
11. Boutrous Boutrous Burger
12. Rocky Mountain McOysters
13. McSpleen
14. The Depressed Meal
15. Filet O' Flesh
16. McShrooms
17. Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
18. McTonya Club Sandwich
19. Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:
1. Chicken McBobbitts
2. Salmon McNella
3. Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal
4. Shirley McLean Burger
5. McMenudo
6. Filet o' Gefilte Fish
7. Way Too Happy Meal
8. Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
9. Them Ain't Nuggets!
10. McKitty Sandwich
11. Boutrous Boutrous Burger
12. Rocky Mountain McOysters
13. McSpleen
14. The Depressed Meal
15. Filet O' Flesh
16. McShrooms
17. Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
18. McTonya Club Sandwich
19. Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
^The entire idea was how the hotel owner heard the mail adress wrong, and sent it to a widow with a similiar name instead.
Also, 5/10
A woman was going shopping in the mall when she heard children cries from a store nearby. It didn't bother her at first, but she noticed that the crying kept going for five minutes when she stood in line. After she had paid, she decided to find the source of the cries. It turned out to be a small boy who was sitting on a bench, now sobbing quietly to himself. The woman couldn't see any parents of his nearby, so she asked him:
"Is anything wrong?"
"I... I can't find... m-m-mommy!"
"Oh", she said and took his hand. She helped him over to a café, and bought him a large ice cream. The boy described his mom to her.
"I will go looking for her. Sit here and eat this in the meantime, I'll be back soon"
Five minutes later, the woman came back.
"I found her. She is in the clothes store over there"
"I know. And this was my sixth ice cream today!"
Also, 5/10
A woman was going shopping in the mall when she heard children cries from a store nearby. It didn't bother her at first, but she noticed that the crying kept going for five minutes when she stood in line. After she had paid, she decided to find the source of the cries. It turned out to be a small boy who was sitting on a bench, now sobbing quietly to himself. The woman couldn't see any parents of his nearby, so she asked him:
"Is anything wrong?"
"I... I can't find... m-m-mommy!"
"Oh", she said and took his hand. She helped him over to a café, and bought him a large ice cream. The boy described his mom to her.
"I will go looking for her. Sit here and eat this in the meantime, I'll be back soon"
Five minutes later, the woman came back.
"I found her. She is in the clothes store over there"
"I know. And this was my sixth ice cream today!"
Screaming Coasters
Strata Poster
1
A priest checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist "i hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?" and she replies "no sir, its regular porn you sick bastard!"
A priest checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist "i hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?" and she replies "no sir, its regular porn you sick bastard!"