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Rate the joke above

Okay, I lol'd, 5/10.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head,
which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
 
Not really a joke and didn't make me laugh so only a 2/10.

When I was a kid my dad told me "I'm ****ing sick of getting socks for my birthday!"
"You ungrateful ****!" I replied. "It's the thought that counts!"
I could tell from the look in his eyes he'd have kicked my head in.
If he had legs.
 
Not in cruelty
Not in wrath
The REAPER came today;
An ANGEL visited
this gray path,
And took the cube away
***********
Though earth and man are gone.
I thought the cube would last forever.

I was WRONG.
*************
Because I could not stop
for Death,
He kindly stopped for me.
The cube had food
maybe ammo
find immortality
:lol: dont rate bad if you dont get look it up
 
3/10


2 tourists are visiting Belfast and get a bit lost, so they pull over and ask a local,
"Whats the quickest way into the city centre?"
The local replied " Are you walking or driving?"
The tourists reply "Driving,"
The local replies"Well thats the quickest way then!!! :p "
 
5/10

A bear walks into a bar and says:
"I'll have a beer......................... and some peanuts".
The bartender says:
"OK, but why the BIG PAWS?"

Too bad I can't do my stand-up on CoasterForce.
 
1/10 heard it too many times before

I've heard Gary Glitter has moved to Chile.

It's the only place he can move a miner up and down a shaft and get applauded.
 
Bit messed up and quite current: 7/10

3 men go for a job interview.

the first man enters and the employer asks him, 'what is the fastest thing in the world?'
The man replies' electricity, because you can flick a switch over here and a light goes on almost instantly over there!'
He exits

The second man enters and is asked the same question, he replies 'A thought. it is instant, and natural. you hardly have to think about some things, like blinking as the thought is so quick'
he exits

The third guy goes in and is asked the same question and he says. ' the fastest thing in the world is diarrhoeal (?). because last night before I could think, blink or turn on the light.....
 
you don't bury the survicors/...

that's about 4/10

anyway - here's some details of a new database system..

------
Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS)


This memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide software
system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all
plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the
"Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS.
We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all
employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS. As for
the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed
the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a
time. This should change as MIASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on
it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not
surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed
that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS.
Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I
had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything
in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and
when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and
she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as
to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon
initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however,
protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.

We planned this database to encompass all information associated with
the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put
anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time
when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand
a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS"

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company
during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical
data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided
the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so
rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled
them out of MIASS".

------------------------------
 
TL: DR

0

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk.
The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
 
Bad, plain Bad 3.5/10


I was playing Frisbee with my dad once, when I started thinking "Why is that Frisbee getting larger?"

Then it hit me.
 
Dire. 2/10.


What's the difference between a chicken and a Jew?

A chicken doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
 
Heard it before, and you didn't say it right. 3/10

What's the difference between a Jew and a Pizza?

The Pizza tastes good after it goes through the oven.

jjjjustin12 said:
so rate the joke/poem
Click to expand...

I will give you a -30/10 because you didn't follow the rules and rate the previous joke. ****er.
 
i'll rate the jew/pizza one at 3 seeing as you practically copied the joke above.


Due to the budget constraints, the following policies are announced
regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are
effective immediately:

Lodging:

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on
business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as
temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations and office lobbies
may also provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation:

Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel, in lieu of commercial
transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior
to their departure on such travel. Airline tickets will only be authorized
in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if
a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Detroit, the travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel
to seattle.

Meals:

Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be
noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms,
General Nutrition Centers, and Price Club stores often provide free samples
of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and
other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must
be utilized, travelers should utilize "all you can eat" salad bars. This is
especially effective for employees traveling together - as one plate can be
used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their
own food on official travel. Cans of tuna, Spam and Beefaroni can be
consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly
preparation.

Miscellaneous:

All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to
save our budget dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested
that money could be raised during airport layover period, which could be
used to defray expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued
to all employees prior to their departure, so that they may earn tips by
helping other travelers with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball
point pens will also be made available to employees so that sales may be
made, as time permits.
 
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